Rewind eight months and to me blowing out twenty candles. Most nights surrounding that time included laying face down on a pillow listening to Bon Iver on repeat. So many nights I thought, “If I pray hard enough if I manifest it enough, and if I put enough effort into it, I’d get it. I’ll get what I want.”
Comparisons. They’re kind of sickening and sneak up subconsciously into your thoughts with you realizing. Comparing the good to the bad is easy, but why does the past keep resurfacing once you’re happy?
But life has a tricky way of showing you what you deserve. Even if it takes nights of self-sabotage listening to the same sad songs over and over.
It’s tough sharing personal experiences but to be the best writer and self, I need to be honest and I need to be vulnerable. As hard as that is for a Scorpio.
You don’t know you’re in a toxic relationship until the love goggles have worn off and you see how broken you’ve become. I felt as if my heart had literally been torn in multiple places and I gained an everlasting headache. Lust blinded me from all the heartbreak and the bruises I constantly gained metaphorically from repeatedly being mistreated.
But like Charlotte York, I’m a hopeless romantic. I believe there is a perfect relationship for everyone and whether that’s with a friend, yourself, or a romantic partner–I know it’s achievable. Not only had my parents set such high standards for love from the beginning, but my dad continues to set even higher standards when it comes to boyfriends. He is someone who would drop everything for me, who would go the extra mile, and help me and want the best for me in any situation. He’s my number one cheerleader and the man I end up with better be half the man he is.
Because I’m a hopeless romantic, I did everything I could to make my previous relationship work. Even if it took a major toll on my mental health. Towards the end, I grew anxious. Depression was creeping its way back into my life affecting my overall health. I become belittled for being a burden for constantly needing reassurance from being hurt over and over.
He kept saying, “stop bringing up the past, it only makes me feel bad,” when I asked for a small portion of reassurance. All I need was for him to say, “I love you, we are a team.”
But we were never a team. Somehow he put the ‘I’ in team and only needed me on his terms. I can remember a handful of times I actually asked him to do something or hang-out because he would always choose his friends or other activities over me and only make time for me late in the day.
I was constantly celebrating his accomplishments but getting jealously in return for sharing mine. I was pitied into not studying abroad my sophomore year (I feel so ashamed for even writing that).
It wasn’t until I finally saw what I was doing after not only losing myself but losing friendships as well. I was constantly lying and saying everything was okay and spinning myself into a downward spiral of no sleep (finals didn’t help either).
And that’s when I decided, after turning twenty, to finally love myself as much as I wanted someone to love me.
And it showed. The number of people I had in the new year tell me how much happier I looked was astonishing. From then on I told myself that I wouldn’t settle for anything less than the love I had for myself.
The time came to find someone who went the extra mile for me and did things without having me ask. I almost felt rebirthed after things were ended, and I had time to focus on myself. And if it’s one thing I learned from all of this is the blissfulness of independence and being able to love being alone.
True connections don’t come until you are shown what is toxicity is. I believe that I would not be where (or with the person) I am today if it was not for the toxic relationship I endured before.
Know your worth before you lose it for good.
Only sharing my story to help others and not to spread any negativity to anyone. This is simply about loving yourself and not letting yourself get taken advantage of.